This Tiny Tomboy

This Tiny Tomboy

I brush and brush. We've tried every barrette known to man.  I pull and pull.  I even spray and spray.  This child's hair will never ever stay in place.

I send her off looking neat as a pin I pick her up and it looks like she spent most of her day, on her head, in a spin.

She got in trouble in school for playing too rough with a boy.  "I told him not to kiss me mom".  She twisted his arm and made him cry at the end of this story."

She's a tomboy - that's how she acts in many ways.  She would rather wrestle her daddy or run as fast as her neighbor (she knows she'll beat him some day).

I was this way.  Why do I feel left out?  I never could have raised a daughter who played with dolls, didn't get dirty, was tender and quiet and didn't shout.

She plays with trucks, loves to paint, has her own set of tools.  She has a heart of gold but to wait for her to be prim and proper, I would be a fool.

God spoke ever so clearly to me.  "She's being exactly who I created .  She's supposed to be different.  Now, please teach her to love me and just let her be."

Who knows, one day I may see her not running down the church hall.  I may see her even quietly, sweetly playing, hair all neat, maybe even snuggling a doll.

But I know she will remain looking a little frazzled at times.  But to hold her up to someone else's standards, not God's, would make me blind.

I am curious to see who this tiny tomboy will turn out to be.  After God's working, mom and dad's teaching.  Prim and neat really isn't what I want to see.

Love for her Lord.  "Dear Jesus I love you so much", I hear.  Her heart needs to love and honor Him.  With that in place, I have nothing else to fear.

Looking Closer, Makes Me Feel Farther

Looking Closer, Makes Me Feel Farther

The closer I look into God's word, the farther from perfection I feel.
Searching for my way, God's way, brings about an earnest desire to learn.
But each passage I devour, shows - I have so much to learn, so far to grow.


Once I felt overwhelmed and ready to throw up my hands in despair.
Knowing the life of a Christian woman is treacherous and full of hardship and pain.
I press on in the fight, believing God will provide the learning for this life.


As I learn His commands I realize there are also blessings and promises.
Not only a life in eternity with Him, but a life full of hope and grace here on Earth.
Each day that bring trials, brings chances to see, He comes through and rescues me.


Stretching and growing, feeling His hands molding, uncomfortable yet tolerable.
Most times when I am cushioned in comfort I am breaking from this upward path.
His pruning, my stretching and growing, His glorious plan I am showing.


As I look into His word I realize, how far from perfection I am today.
His constant stirring in my soul, there is a contentment that outweighs discomfort.
I climb over jagged edges of strife.  He reminds me of His own obedient life.


He had little comforts, always knowing that the cross would lie ahead.
Pain, rejection, suffering - no one can imagine. For all the sins we cling to today.
With God in my heart I will climb on.  Knowing one day I will see His sweet son.


Treasure the trials.  Grow strong in the battles.  Working towards sanctification.
Leaning on promises from YOUR own hand.  Living, hoping, believing Him.
All we learn and grow through is meant to make us more like YOU!

Follow up to Reminded...

I feel my anxious heart speeding throughout my "to do's" for today.  I end weak and tired.

I am reminded

Only what we "To Do" for Him will stand through the fire.

I compain that I NEED something, new shirts or new shoes.

I am reminded

There are sweet momma's in other places in tears because there is no food.

I am sad when I don't get my wants and what I think I need.

I am reminded 

I have a precious life and I am loved by Him and am able to fall at His feet.

I see through my life and I see I am not where, in the spiritual, I could be.

I am reminded

Lest God lift me out of the mire that was once my life.  No new path would I see.

When I lose my temper, when I feel unusable, when life takes its anger out on me

I am reminded

There is forgiveness and not condemnation.  Fall into His love and mercy

Evil comes to remind of sins once forgiven and thrown into the vast endless sea

I am reminded

God is gracious, Jesus compassionate, I can cry out to Him. All that baggage is not for me to retrieve.

Friend, let yourself be Loved by God today.  Take all that wounds you. 

All that keeps you captive, let it

lay at the Feet that were pierced for ALL sin! 

God wants all our feelings.  The good, the tired.  The ones filled

with sadness and pain.  Cry out to Him in all these emotions.

Walk in the Light and in the strength that can only come

from our wonderful Creator, Father, Savior, our One True Love, Abba Father! 

Getting Ready To Remember

Getting Ready To Remember

My eyes are fixed to the screen.  My ears feel 
desperate to hear.  Every word and phrase spoken,
 every scene hits me, but it doesn't quite sink in.

I hear my mother's voice on the phone,
 "Your dad's cousin Victor was the pilot on the second plane."
  What?  The TV area is so crowded I push my way

to the front to see what is happening now. 
"Who else should I call?" 
"When will this end?" 

 "What is going on?" 
"What will be next?"

Panic seems to be settling itself on my shoulders.

As with most major horrific days, people remember
 where they were that day.  The day when what never
 was even thought of before, happened.

Over the years I watched the ceremony of remembrance.
I hear the conspiracy theories. I watch the documentaries.
 Each anniversary, I wonder if our enemies will strike out
again in their own remembrance.
Each year the tears come.

I have sat wondering how I would remember
this day, this year.

As many Americans, I don't want this memorial to pass
as only a tragic memory.  I want it to mean more,
to grow into something positive. 

Grow into more love for my neighbor.  Grow in my
knowledge of God's will.  Grow in the understanding
that God uses ALL things even tragedies like this

to grow us into His Glory.  There is nothing that
happens to us that He doesn't want us to learn from,
to reach out to Him for comfort.

What is God teaching? 
What is He saying to me personally?

If I slam my fist in anger at someone.  If I am filled
with the feeling of vengeance.  If I am being tempted
to hate.  If I am getting ready to judge America

for its many wrongs... If I say, this is old news. 
 Lets move on...

I think I may miss the Lesson.

If I ask God "What is My responsibility here?" 
 "What is My personal lesson here?" I think I may be
on the right track. I know it sounds simplistic but 
I think I may be getting ready to properly remember.

I have heard some great ideas for today:

Do something good for another person. 

Spend quality time in prayer for our country and its leaders. 

Love your family and be thankful.

Shed tears for people who lost a loved one.

Comfort those who are still hurting.

However you begin to get ready to remember
... remember this

God is always, always the answer. 
 Look to Him this year and ask NOT how you Feel
you should remember but 

 "Lord, how do you want me to remember?" 

"How do I bring glory to You and Your name?"

The images still grab at my stomach and cause pain

The devastation still seems hard to understand.

The enemy, God's enemy, would love to
use this memory and a foothold gain.

What if Love poured out of each
 mind's remembrance? True understanding of

God's awesome power. What if what is left is
not wreckage but honor and benevolence?

What if the true enemy of our soul screams 
"My plans you ruined" "Not again God!"

What if today we love instead of hate,

take up compassion and then on Satan's head trod.

My prayer for each family touched by this
anniversary of 9/11, is that God will comfort,
strengthen, show His will to you on this day of loss. 
That you know and understand this truth -

 That nothing escapes God's view
 and His offer of love and comfort
and neither do you.

Reminded

Reminded

I hear the distant rolling thunder

this afternoon

 and am reminded

Christ will come back for

His own some day soon.

I feel the sun, warm on my face after

a long stretch of dreary days

and am reminded

I have new life through Him

and His loving grace.

I smell the earth as I dig and plant

and am reminded

 the simplest smells are the most remembered

and most constant.

I see my daughter's smile after a long night of sleep

and am reminded

of what is truly precious and  at His feet I want to worship.

I see families in peril in country's far from my home

and am reminded

that God's will, at times, is not understandable and not my own.

God speaks in the thunder,

the fresh earth around. 

He speaks through a child's smile

as well as turmoil

in places where death and

pain are found.

Be Reminded

God is constant, perfect. 

He can so easily be found.

Look to His word and His world.

Expect Him to speak through These things,
His truth is all around.

The Freak

The Freak

I am walking blind with God as my judge of distance,

 views of the road ahead, obstacles in my way. 

Total reliance because I don't want to fall off this path.

Don't want to go in  the wrong direction, don't want my footsteps to stray.

I sat talking with my sister on the phone and I realized I felt so odd.

For 5 years now I had been a stay-at-home mom.  Loving it. 

I have been busy.  Not as "child scurrying" busy as my friends with

3 , 4 or 5 children.  But quite busy.  I had at times felt a little out of the loop

and a little unproductive because I only had one.  I let those feelings

of inadequacy lay at the savior's feet and only once or twice went

back to "check and see how they were doing".

Now I am looking at being a stay at home mom without

the child at home.  She is off to school.  We couldn't figure

out how I could find that job that would allow me to call

my own hours.  Days off.  Be out at 2pm every day and

be ready to pick her up.  So for now, I am going to be at home.

FREAK rings in my head.

Lame rings through my flustered brain.

I can see the giant L on my forehead.

Just couldn't shake the feeling God called me to this

specific moment and decision.  Freak kept echoing

in my brain.

So as we talked I counted out to her the reasons I would be at home.

We talked about the importance of home over what a real

working mom would mean.  Importance of knowing and honoring my

sweet husband's love language.  And how fortunate I was that he does have that

love language.  The time I would have to work on

service projects, writing, doing house work, being able to do devotions

without losing my patience because my little one says "Mommy watch me"

seventeen times.  So many women do work and

keep a wonderful home alive for their families.  I know several

that do.  Honestly, God does not call us each to the same path.

For us, God is just saying no, at least for now.

I want to listen and honor my sweet and perfect Savior.

I am going to leave the expectations of well meaning people

at the feet of my sweet Jesus. I will do my best not

to visit it.  I will leave my spiritual and mental self-torturing

 device locked away.  I won't use freak in my

mental language anymore... Maybe...

Then it came to me.

I am and want to be known as a Freak

Jesus Freak.  

Because that is really what I want to aspire to be!

Totally and blindly obedient.

I know that is what I actually want God and people to see.

Lord, help me be constant, obedient to you and not ask why.

Lord, help cast awkward glances aside. 

Lord, help this Momma's Freak Flag fly!!

"Its Ok To Cry"

"Its Ok To Cry" 

Watching her laugh and play.  I see her sleeping. What she's dreaming of?

I wonder if she will ever know just how deep is a mothers love.

I Prayed all those prayers.  I waited so long to love her to hold her tight. 

She's looking so big.  How did she grow up so much, so beautiful over night.

How can I truly reveal.  Will she ever know how much she is loved? 

What a gift she was to us, unbridled joy, she was sent from God above.

Most wonderful and fun.  Days and years have just flown by. 

Some difficult when I knew we could not lead her without God by our side.

Wondering how.  Frustration reaches a fever pitch when I try to do this alone. 

How can I love her, teach her?  Someone who has been so lost and broken.

Frustration rears it head.  On days where my to do's out number my hours.

Don't let me fall prey to the enemy who would love to show me his power. 

His Love is forever.  Gods grace is stronger then my biggest mistakes. 

  He gave His Holy Spirit  and His Word to help us, this child raise.

  

Just yesterday she was tiny, new.  Faster and faster the days fly by.  

She's going to school, dresses herself, keeps a purse full of treasures at her side.

Tears will come as I wave goodbye.  What will I do without her at my side?

God answers "You may feel sadness, but she is loved by me and its OK to cry."



I See Me

I See Me

I see me.  Small and alone.  Haggard and worn for my years.

A bit bruised and battered, messy, spots on my clothes, stained by tears.

I see me.  Looking foolish and ridiculous in my need for love and comfort.

I am belittled by my enemies, left alone, not picked from life's concourse.

I see me.  Insignificant and unremarkable to this world I live in.

Nothing special to speak of, kind of wrinkly and not so thin.

As I look down on myself in my usual fashion, separated from myself,

God strolls beautifully beside me "Let me your story retell."

He looks at me.  Strong!  Warring against the enemy for the ones I love.

A lot of my scars tracing back to the enemy and not sent from above.

He looks at me.  A child of His.  Once alone, lost and forsaken.

He sees me raised from my circumstances, my burden lightened. 

He looks at me. He sees my promise and the gifts He bestowed.

He sees His son and spirit working in the heart, far from earthly vision below.

He looks at me.  He sees a child of His who he raised.

A million times more potent is His love than the doubts I had today.

Life Swirls and Grace Abounds

Life Swirls and Grace Abounds

Come sit with me God, today.   I need to feel you in the air around me.

I must know your presence in my every day.  Without you I am lost and I am alone.

Without your approval on my life, I feel forsaken.   I am searching for

something real.  Without you, there is no one.

I cannot stand against the enemy of pressure today.  I need you to fight

for me when I cannot. I do not know the way.  I cannot fall in the battle of life. 

Your kingdom is not from this world.  You never said it would be.

I will not struggle for treasures that only pride wants to see.

I need you to show me true love, true grace and true peace.

Any groanings in the night will be only answered by these.

I cannot fail in your kingdom if you are my one and only true God.

I will not fail when I use your sword.  You alone parted the sea with only a rod.

Drown me no longer in tears.  You have wiped them far far away.

Leave me with your all-consuming brightness that no dark night can lead astray.

Drug to my knees in praise of your precious glory and grace.

In my home, arms in the air, I sing.  I never want to stop this praise.

When looking for you and your commands your blessings abound

When not looking at my worth but when my feet on your word are found.

Come sit with me God, today.  I need more as my life swirls around me.

I must see your path, I must only hear what you say.  Without it I will wander.

With you I cannot just survive, I can be empowered.  I can know the way.

Come be a part of me, a part of my life in every way.

Grace Again and Again

Grace Again and Again

I love an analogy I heard the other day.  The

point was, if your child was in desperate need of your help from

a bully, would you stop to see if they had done their chores before

you decided you would help?

(Matthew 7:9&11b)

Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?
how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him!


It opened my eyes a little more to God's grace.  It has

taken me a lifetime to understand His grace.  I am still

trying to understand.  I am still amazed when He moves

in my life, when I feel I am either unworthy or my lack of

faith would never bring it to pass.

(I Chronicles 5:20)
 He answered their prayers, because they trusted in Him.

I don't deserve for God to answer my prayers.  I can never deserve
His love for me.  Grace allows His love. Because of God's
grace we are given a chance to pray.  To ask. To have
a friend that sticks closer than a brother.


2 Cor 1:10
He has delivered us from such a deadly peril,
and He will deliver us again. On Him we have set our hope that He
will continue to deliver us.

I am in need daily of God's presence, His grace, His
understanding of my life.  Because of this realization
I am hungry for His word.  I am only completely
satisfied by His love and companionship.

I deserve nothing and yet you gave yourself to me.
I needed help, you showed your power and all could see.


I prayed for your guidance and you showed me the way.
I asked for intervention and you gave me help today.


 I searched your word for comfort and found relief.
I wait not so patiently for you to answer my plea.



How can I convey the sense of realization you give?
How can I ever move from your light and my own life live?

How can they know your power and strength?
How can I not know you will be with me through this life's length?



I throw myself down at your throne of grace.
I will leave my burdens my prayers, again at this place.


God you hear me each and every time I cry.
God you have delivered this child from life's cruel fire.

Thank you for dying, for eternal life,  for setting me free.

Thank you for knowing and yet still loving me.

 

 

"Desperately Honest"

How long has it been since you were totally honest about yourself?

How long since you realized or put away the facade,

understood your total desperation for God?

I spent so many years in fright, wanting to be perceived in a certain light.

Wanting to be "all together", I really wanted to believe.
Trying to be a person that just was not me.

I was afraid.  I tried to believe, running the show of the "Unspecial Me".

I was afraid people would see the gaping empty hole

 that was actually an all too empty soul.

 "Let this go.  The world wants you that way.  Let only my son's work show today"

God said "In my son's blood is truth.  You can be honest.

 He presented Himself so you would be blameless."

So I took off my costume.  Laid it at Jesus's feet.  There I was "The Terrible Me".

So I looked in the mirror without the facade,

"Christ, I am desperate for your cleansing blood."

"My son makes you clean.  Be only true to me.  Don't be afraid for others to see."

Christ said, "Be only desperate for my love and affection. 

Let totally go of any earthly apprehension."

"It will help others learn and grow. What you have learned, please tell and show.

It will help others, encourage them to be honest and real. 

Only His blood will their souls heal."

So now its just me, truly understanding, knowing my honest desperate need.

So now I have peace, I can open up so much more.

Hoping to show through me, Christ's open door.

Without Him, each day I would feel and be alone. No praises. No song.
Without Him I am lost.  Left wanting for something more.
Wandering aimless. Betrayed by sin and impure.

With Him I know realness and  peace as never before.  I know song and joy.
With Him I have purpose.  I have hope.  I know His way.
A sense of belonging my words could never fully convey.



"Wishing"

I wish that I was the girl who orders jello at a restaurant and just loves it,

but I like something creamy, chocolate and rich.

I wish my daughter showed off her worst behavior in the privacy of our home,

but rest assured, the opposite has been true.

I wish spiritual growth didn't come after much discomfort and pain sometimes,

but God requires us to grow as we go along.

I wish my husband and I weren't on opposite sides of spirituality,

but sadly, at times, we are.

I wish I could make a bigger more positive impact on the world around me,
but sometimes I am negative and feel defeated.



Wishing away a life that for God is meant to be.
Knowing all along He truly wants only me.

Finding His truth gets me through those rough days.
Resting in the comfort He adores me and His I will stay.

Wishing can be realizing if seen through His vision.
Left alone with myself there is only confusion.

Lord help me give you all my wants and wishes.
 Remembering honesty and joy comes as some savory dishes.



"Christ came so that we could have life and have it in abundance"
(John 10:10b)

"The Gift of Raising"

Knowing you want the good for me and for her.

Knowing these moments may seem small.

Knowing these days we both are growing together.

These days are simple, precious and pure.

These days may sometimes seem tiring and trying.

These days are etched in our hearts forever more.

  Help me to love her honestly and perfectly.

Help me to rely on you when I don't.

Help me to know her like you know me.

These moments though precious, will soon be gone.

These days pass quicker than I can possibly realize.
These pearls of wisdom from only you are drawn.

Remind me the gift of motherhood is just that, a gift.
Remind me not to lose your pearls amongst the mess.
Remind me each day that the end of childhood will come swift.

Telling myself the world outside your will, doesn't matter.
Telling her only your love is real and perfect.
Telling the world of your love, with how I teach her.

As I grasp on to her childhood with all my might
As I look to you for guidance
As I keep my emotions in line with your perfect sight.

Praying to you with shouts of glory and of much Praise.
Praying when my patience is so small.
Praying for wisdom, for this child you gave to me to raise.

A Mommy's Prayer

"A Mommy's Prayer"

Kneeling in prayer

I am pushing away evil with one fist in the air.

I am trying to think.

The words come pouring, emotions that brought me to this brink.

Pushing against the current.

Confused by the world and what is actually relevant.

I am not lost and alone

Praying for my life, my child, my home.

Lord, quiet me.

Hear my soul and its need, for only you can set me free.

Lord, know my intent

I want to serve but my humanness, my will does bend.

Draw me away.

Take me to our healing place, to peace and let me stay.

Help me know you

I am believing you, all our days can be sanctified, yes, all we do.

Protect your child

All that is against you would like my life to run wild.

Freedom is from you

Your words, written for me, will guide me through.

Standing from my knees

My heart is hard against sin, my soul, focused on you will be.

Strength for today

Stronger because of my time with you, under your protection I will stay.

Thank you Lord

All I have is yours.

Amen

Measurements

Measurements

I sized myself up with the measurement of my daughter's behavior

I have cried at the results

I sized myself up with the measurement of my husband's affections

I have cried at the results

I sized myself up with the measurement of my pier's invites and attentions

I have cried at the results

I sized myself up with the measurements of my own accomplishments

I have cried at the results

Then  a tap, tap, tap on my heart

His voice as sweet as spring  
His voice as strong as thunder

His truths older than this world I call home 
His grace bigger still

So many scriptures of His compassion 
So many scriptures of His love

So many scriptures of His Deity 
So many scriptures of His son

Then I read

I read His note to me and learn more about measurement

I read His note and learn more about what He sees

I read His note and learn about perfection

I read His note and I know He sees His perfect Son when

He sees me!

I size myself up with the measurement of God's Love and Grace
I smile at the results

"Love Story realized in a Grocery Store Line"

It was 2007, near Valentines Day and we were pinching penny's. 

I gathered my couple of sweet items and stood in a grocery line. 

Thinking how much fun I was having seeking out treasures

with tiny price tags.  Days before I was struggling with

yet another realization that my life was no longer my own.

Oh how I missed my freedom to have a free spirit.

A new baby, a husband who needs "shoulder to shoulder"

love.  But the realization of how empty my

life would be with out this man I love, also came to mind.

Then these thoughts came to mind...

What a sad one this life would be...

To live it through as only me and not we...

How much emptier, less full of hope...

So much loneliness, I can only suppose...

God placed you in my path, what a perfect gift...

Only He knew the burden on my soul you would lift...

To Thank God daily seems such a simple chore...

My prayer...

That you might know how much this "gift",
I love, respect and adore.

From your wife who loves you more and more

Whose Thumb Are You Under

"Whose Thumb are you Under?"

In the start of the New Testament we see how Israel is under that thumb

of the Roman empire.  In my Bible study today we talked about the Silent

years of Israel. 

400 years God was Silent.  Israel, again was given over to oppression.

They turned from His voice.  His commands.  They turned from their

own bright future.

400 years of Silence.  Then Christ is born.

Has God been silent in some area of your life?  Is there something

you are "under the thumb" of?  Something you feel oppressed by?

...Friends

... Family members

... Children

.. work situation

...home life

...money troubles
...expectations
...you fill in the blank

We should never feel oppressed by anything when we have the

choice to turn to God.

Turn whatever it is over to the all powerful God.  Let Him

regain and retake your Spirit in these areas. 

Turning it all to the Lord Who Reigns

running under His Wing and to Him once again

No silence to long or loud, no oppression to strong

Give it to God - Regain His favor, regain that bond.

No more sorrowful tears, no more long weary nights

You have the victory over the oppressor with God at your side.