I am walking blind with God as my judge of distance,
views of the road ahead, obstacles in my way.
Total reliance because I don't want to fall off this path.
Don't want to go in the wrong direction, don't want my footsteps to stray.
I sat talking with my sister on the phone and I realized I felt so odd.
For 5 years now I had been a stay-at-home mom. Loving it.
I have been busy. Not as "child scurrying" busy as my friends with
3 , 4 or 5 children. But quite busy. I had at times felt a little out of the loop
and a little unproductive because I only had one. I let those feelings
of inadequacy lay at the savior's feet and only once or twice went
back to "check and see how they were doing".
Now I am looking at being a stay at home mom without
the child at home. She is off to school. We couldn't figure
out how I could find that job that would allow me to call
my own hours. Days off. Be out at 2pm every day and
be ready to pick her up. So for now, I am going to be at home.
FREAK rings in my head.
Lame rings through my flustered brain.
I can see the giant L on my forehead.
Just couldn't shake the feeling God called me to this
specific moment and decision. Freak kept echoing
in my brain.
So as we talked I counted out to her the reasons I would be at home.
We talked about the importance of home over what a real
working mom would mean. Importance of knowing and honoring my
sweet husband's love language. And how fortunate I was that he does have that
love language. The time I would have to work on
service projects, writing, doing house work, being able to do devotions
without losing my patience because my little one says "Mommy watch me"
seventeen times. So many women do work and
keep a wonderful home alive for their families. I know several
that do. Honestly, God does not call us each to the same path.
For us, God is just saying no, at least for now.
I want to listen and honor my sweet and perfect Savior.
I am going to leave the expectations of well meaning people
at the feet of my sweet Jesus. I will do my best not
to visit it. I will leave my spiritual and mental self-torturing
device locked away. I won't use freak in my
mental language anymore... Maybe...
Then it came to me.
I am and want to be known as a Freak
Because that is really what I want to aspire to be!
Totally and blindly obedient.
I know that is what I actually want God and people to see.
Lord, help me be constant, obedient to you and not ask why.
Lord, help cast awkward glances aside.
Lord, help this Momma's Freak Flag fly!!